A Villain Origin Story
In recent weeks, since I started working on ROAR more intently, I've been often asked why this project. It feels like I'm asked, in essence, what my story is.
Five years ago tonight, almost to the hour of writing this, someone threw me over the hood of a car. He never asked for permission. Or forgiveness. That wasn't my first taste of sexual trauma; that happened in October 1987, two months short of my 8th birthday. When sexual trauma touches your life at such an age, you grow up around it. It permeates everything you are and everything you become.
Everything the darkness touches, is your kingdom.
In the early morning hours of October 18, 2019, I didn't even know where to go. I remember sitting in my living room thinking even the ice cream in the freezer feels like too long of a walk. It was 5am and I called the one friend I knew would be up. I also knew she had a similar history. She picked me up immediately and took me to the UCLA Rape Treatment Center.
The following weeks and months were a haze of healthcare appointments (physical and mental health), meetings with detectives, communications with government agencies and victims' advocates and so much more. Everything felt big and debilitating. There was so much to do, too much information to process – and the ice cream was still too far. And as a scholar and activist of law and sexuality for almost two decades, the personal challenges of the aftermath of trauma felt like a professional assault, too. Being unable to navigate the labyrinth of everything that needed to be done, made me feel like a failure. I should be able to do this, I thought. If I can't figure this out – who could?
And indeed, in the years since, I've heard of so many other survivors not knowing where to go for help. The women groups on Facebook I had joined often included posts by women who didn't know how to report violence in their relationships or their workplaces. Others asked for advice about moving safely out of their homes to escape violence and didn't know there were protections available to them. There was so much need and no one place to go for clear, manageable and tailored guidance. As I began responding to many of these inquiries, I realized that could be my contribution. I want to create a service where survivors can have a centralized port of call for whatever comes up in their specific circumstances that they may need coaching on, be it the decision and process of reporting, finding medical care or legal representation, submitting paperwork for resources such as the California Victims of Crimes Benefit or whatever. I hope that if I can help take care of such needs, the darkness becomes light and the ice cream feels closer.